So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
