I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
