goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
