look no pants
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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