Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
