My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
