i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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