just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
