someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
