I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
