What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
