My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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