you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
