She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
