sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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