it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
