I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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