I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
