I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
