I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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