I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
the liver wants what the liver wants
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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