my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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