I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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