All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Found your dick twin last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
