I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
