I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
