and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
