My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
