Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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