I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
