Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
