If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
