$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
