I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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