Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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