glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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