I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
