I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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