i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
