Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
