I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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