When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
