I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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