god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
