You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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