my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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