I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
