youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You're like the curious george of whores
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
