How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
