the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
MIDGETS
????
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
