At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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