why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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